Piano, Part-X and how I deal with Doubt
For a few months, Tristan and I have been working on “Closer” — a card game that helps people have more meaningful conversations. Buoyed by early inspiration and work, we managed to sell some decks. But the future was unclear, even if we hadn’t yet openly talked about it.
One afternoon, we met at Tristan’s to do some design changes before placing another print order. After a couple of hours of working, Tristan moved to a seat next to his piano and started playing. He asked if I wanted to join. I declined, saying I didn’t know how to play and that I was happy to just watch.
Truth is — I have been wanting to play my whole life — both piano and other things. Since I quit my job last year, I did some scuba diving, tried to land a career in marine conservation, tried to get into the cooking and food business, and created “Closer” as a bid to break into the field of relationship psychology. Some things worked, most didn’t, and life continued to be a struggle as I marched on a road that had more thorns than flowers. I got rejected a lot, but also said “No” to a lot of things. Some No’s have felt right, and many have felt wrong.
The biggest struggle has been “Doubt”. With a big D. It comes veiled in many costumes, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. For example — I landed a job as a kitchen help at a nice restaurant, but it was a 50-minute ride from home, and I found the idea so tiring that I went for a nap. I wondered if I would enjoy the job and if I would feel energized enough to work on other things.
In hindsight, these thoughts were based on projections and not my actual, real experience — but they were enough to convince me to decline the offer. What followed soon after was weeks of confusion and misery. I found myself unable to come up with ideas for Closer. I felt blocked about what other food gigs I could go for. I even felt like I had made a mistake quitting my old job. I started looking again for similar jobs, and I got more confused.
It has taken me several months to realize that by talking myself out of taking a potentially stressful opportunity, I often set off a cycle of self-doubt. And that cycle breeds a decay of creativity and the death of ideas.
In the documentary Stutz, Phil Stutz calls this engine of thoughts — PartX. Stutz’s PartX is the inner voice that stops us from taking risks, from continuing to exercise or diet, from putting in the work our projects need during tough periods — it’s the essential saboteur.
PartX is also quite essential because only a thorough examination of it reveals our true fears and shows us what’s holding us back. A constant battle with it is what gives our lives meaning and growth. But it is not to be surrendered to.
How I am trying to deal with my Part-X:
- Checking-in: Faced with doubt, I ask myself 2 questions:
(A) Does this idea harm me or others in any way?
(B) Is the idea based on my own real experience?
A No-Yes response to these questions has proved very reliable so far in my dealings with doubt. - Set reminders: I have sticky notes on my living room wall that I scan first thing every morning. My reminders for doubt are “Don’t stop walking even when the fog is thick and blinding.” and “Don’t stop the rhythm of playing because of the fear of hitting the wrong notes.” I love analogies as they help me make sense of the abstract world. I read these notes when I feel blocked, conflicted or lost.
- Asking a trusted loved one for help: When caught in extended periods of a creative rut, I ask my girlfriend or my dad to question me to see if I am letting my doubts rule my decisions.
- Meditation: Meditation helps me feel centered — which helps me see things for what they truly are, stripped of fear and doubt. I practice Vipassana — which is a training in remaining equanimous to aversions and cravings without reacting. But any meditative practice helps.
Through these activities, I am recognizing the many faces that my PartX takes. Like the face of laziness and procrastination (“Oh wouldn’t it be so much better to go for a run before finishing this blog post?”). Or in the form of judgment of others who do similar things. In the form of mysterious urges. If you find yourself getting strangely sleepy or hungry before you start a challenging task, you know what I am talking about. Sometimes it even sounds like healthy self-talk — “Oh you will be exhausted by this, you need to take care of yourself”.
Stutz says “The more persistently you fight Part X, the more you feel the bracing wind of life’s limitless potential. Your problems no longer stop you — they energize you to work even harder for your aspirations.”
When I told Tristan that I couldn’t play the piano, he revealed that he couldn’t either. So, I sat down next to him as he started tapping some low notes. I have a good ear for music so I listened and started hitting complementary notes from the higher end. Soon, we hit a rhythm and were playing what sounded like beautiful, original music.
